YOSHIYA 'JOSHUA' KIRYU
COURT Seelie
TITLE N/A
OCCUPATION Composer
ABLE TO FAST-TRAVEL Teleportation - Restricted to Glaschu; Wings - Can be made physical at will
COMMUNICATION METHODS Compass purchased from Hermione Granger.
RESIDENCE IN 2,701 Caer Glaem
RESIDENCE IN 2,702 Possibly Caer Glaem
MAJOR EVENTS
HIGHLIGHT
Description [ ✖ ]
HIGHLIGHT
Description [ ✖ ]
HIGHLIGHT
Description [ ✖ ]
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PLANS
Joshua will be keeping his eyes and ears peeled for information of all sorts. For the most part, this will be a year of adjustment for him as he gets used to his power caps and being more mortal than he used to be. He's also going to be annoying people staying in relative contact with people he's already met (or will meet) on either side. !!!IF YOU WISH TO PLAN ANYTHING WITH JOSHUA, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO PM THIS JOURNAL FOR FURTHER DISCUSSION!!!
SUMMARY OF KNOWN DETAILS
He's going to meet the Black Shuck for the first time and have a lovely conversation with him. Joshua will also accomplish being on somewhat good terms with Hiro Hamada and Sansa Stark. He's going to pester the hell out of Hiro, mark his words.
TIMELINE OF EVENTS
| SPRING IN 2,701 (Mar, Apr, May) |
- MARCH - He'll delve into a small part of his powers in order to help out the natives and maybe some other Shardbearers. Joshua may or may not take great pleasure/amusement out of this.
- APRIL - Wow he is so not down with losing control like that. Joshua is going to instantly destroy his harp the moment he finds it in his dreams. Nobody, not even himself, wants a wild, out-of-control-emotionally Joshua. Good thing nobody he knows from his world is here, jfc.
- MAY - You know what's useful? Swans that turn into gold on death. Hell yes, he'll kill some swans and help out. Hopefully use their gold corpses as currency.
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| SUMMER IN 2,701 (Jun, Jul, Aug) |
- JUNE - Josh's participating in the Magic Dueling part of Treun's Tourney! Otherwise, he'll just be a spectator. Joshua, sadly, doesn't think he'll be of use to anyone wanting to heal the areas affected by the Jabberwock, but if asked for advice, then he'll try to give theories/something.
- JULY - He's going to keep his wits about him more-so than usual. He'll be interested in looking into these rumors about that Shardbearer creating the fox masks and any other information people dig up on the guy.
- AUGUST - Joshua will visit the Cothromach to take a look at what Sansa's got planned! He'll also look in on the festivities at Leathann, probably on the roof of some building.
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| FALL IN 2,701 (Sept, Oct, Nov) |
- SEPTEMBER - Well, hopefully people know either English or Japanese, else they'll never understand what the heck he's saying. He might be insulting your mother for all you know.
- OCTOBER - FUCK YEAH SAMHAIN TIME TO MEET THE DEATH DOG AND PAY HIS RESPECTS!!!!
- NOVEMBER - Some poor schmuck is probably going to try roughing up this pretty boy. Pity it's going to backfire tremendously on them as Joshua cheerfully hands them over to the Leathann authorities
or send their souls to Black Shuck and give the authorities their dead bodies, whichever
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| WINTER IN 2,701/2,702 (Dec, Jan, Feb) |
- DECEMBER - Nah. Hunting and sweating? Nah. Nah, man.
- JANUARY - Joshua turns a year older as of January 1st!
- FEBRUARY - He'll be going to the Ostara Festival in Parrais. Art and music call to him, though he won't participate. Joshua will merely enjoy what the artists and musicians will bring to the occasion.
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| SPRING IN 2,702 (Mar, Apr) |
- MARCH - Time to behead some skeletons and get in touch with his inner Queen of Hearts!
- APRIL - What the actual fuck, fairies.
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![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
--no. No more excuses. He couldn't keep dishing out excuses, that was exactly what the whole problem was. Joshua had made it a little more clear just how bad the whole thing looked and though he's not sure that's how Jason would see it, it makes plenty of sense to him. Damn.] So what you're saying is that I have to trust Jason to intervene where he feels like it so that he can trust me to handle what he thinks I can handle. [There's a loud sigh.] I guess not, but it's not like he'd trust me to do all of this anyway.
The problem is that I keep making bad choices with good intentions. [He'd figured that out a day or two ago.] I don't think it's that Jason's mad I'm doing things. I think...I think he's mad that I'm doing things without really thinking. He yells at me a lot about not thinking. Loki points out that I have to think things through a lot more carefully, too. But...[This is terrible. Everything about this is terrible.] ...I'm used to being able to think things through and having time to do so. Lately I'd been saying yes to things and then realizing it's a bad idea too late. All of this started because I wanted something and was already convinced Jason would say no, so I did it anyway.
[Just like he used to do with Tadashi.]
That's where it became the real problem. Once it was started, why stop? I know that didn't work but it kinda worked for a while.
And you're right, it's not done yet. We've got a long way to go but I don't know if I can make Jason wait that long. I don't even know if I can go home yet. He won't take letters. I'm pretty sure the only way I'll get to get things through to him is by going home and I can't yet. So...I don't know. Maybe I'll try that. I'll figure something out.
[The one thing that's clear though is the sincerity oozing from the conversation. He misses Jason a lot, and he's worried it's damaged beyond repair already. That, and of course, he's actually certain Jason won't listen to him if he doesn't take the bait and actually come home to prove he's capable of listening. Capable of caring about Jason's opinion. He's been awful about proving it lately.]
Definitely a big goal, though.
no subject
[He sighs a little.]
Your decision making needs to be re-tailored for this world, too. You need to look at things from a different angle. Nothing is linear anymore, Hiro. You need to think about how your decision will affect you, the people around you, what consequences you and others may face for the decision, and how it'll continue to affect your future.
no subject
The fact that he had a choice to make now though was just as unsettling.]
...and if I mess stuff up with Nico? What then?
no subject
[Wow, he really wishes he had more tea right now. Serious discussions are thirsty work. Joshua's regretting he didn't bring something with him.]
You haven't broken your trust with Nico before, so you'll have an easier time getting agreement from him. Just don't mess up as you did with Jason.
Also, you say that the two of you have an understanding of each other that most people don't have. If you explain it to Nico, then it's more than likely that he'll agree and understand why you need to do this. On the other hand, I know nothing of this Nico person other than the fact that he's Seelie and apparently has lost a sibling. I would guess an older one?
no subject
Messing up the way he had with Jason would end poorly. And he and Nico did seem to have an understanding most people didn't (which was bizarre in and of itself.)] We sort of talked about the Jason thing after Jason left. Nico's the one who told me to take Clifford and go apologize to him.
[...oh god it's happening again. That weird, twisted feeling in his gut that isn't out of emotional pain but rather something else he wasn't sure he wanted to think about. Thinking about Nico, or having to think of how to explain Nico to people, usually worked him up into a state where he felt his stomach twist and his heart beat a little faster as his brain went into overdrive and a strange, sort of pleased feeling took over.
Why this kept happening when Hiro firmly told his thoughts and emotions "no", he never understood.]
Older sister...sort of the same way Tadashi died. Trying to save somebody else. Nico was ten though. They're demigods so Nico's been sort of outcast his whole life for being a son of Hades which isn't fair since that's kinda not his fault but people treat him differently or are creeped out by his powers. I think I freaked him out when I told him his powers were kinda cool. He's...it's funny. He was born in the 30s but some stuff happened when he was a kid that he got stuck in a timeloop for like seventy years so that's why we're still the same age. He's a few months older than me though. He doesn't trust people very easily and you really have to work at it but when he does trust somebody that's kinda it. We're similar that way. It takes a lot to break trust for him and I haven't managed to do it yet. I've gotta be doing something right.
I don't know, he's just...good to have around. Sometimes I feel like Nico and I are the same person because he gets how my brain works. He gets how to use sarcasm and his sense of humor's kind of twisted but it's okay. Mine probably is, too. And he gets what it's like to want to learn everything in the world. I think he's just as curious as I am about how things work here even though he's been here way longer than me. He's a good storyteller if you can believe that. [A beat.] And he's probably just another reason I'm not dead yet because he's the voice of reason in this mission. Nico and I kind of work that way. He needs to loosen up and I think he thinks I need to calm down. [A mischievous grin.] I haven't told him it's working yet. We're a good team and I know he'd understand if I told him I have to leave for a while but...[And here he stops and he suddenly looks uncertain.] I guess the real thing is that I'm not sure I want to. Not for long anyway. Why can't I have a good balance and keep them both? That's what I want.
no subject
...When he's in private, he's totally going to have a good laugh over this.]
Fate and time have a way of bringing people back together. If you really want to see him more often and to balance everything, then you'll need to understand what sacrifices you need to make in order for that to happen, as well as a general need for discretion. Use that intelligence of yours to find out a good strategy to keep things balanced, and never be afraid to ask for help from the people you trust wholeheartedly to not turn you in for fraternizing with the 'enemy.'
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It's not love. He'll deny it's love. Love's way too powerful and whatever it is that's going on isn't love. It's...something else? A crush, probably. It'll go away, maybe.
...yeah. Yeah, he's been telling himself that for a while now and it's not any closer to the truth, so even when he responds he doesn't notice the forlorn look on his face. And judging by his response, it's clear that he's actively avoiding drawing the conclusion Joshua already has.]
Thought I said I didn't believe in pre-written destinies. Fate falls into that category, too. You can't prove that fate's real. [He rolls his eyes.]
Jason I think wanted to kill him and now he's just going to let your monarch do it. Loki knows and pretty much told me to be discrete. I get it, I need to not be around so much. But there's the whole thing with Shuck and--[Oh forget it. He's just dragging his hands down his face, apparently dropping the veil and just hitting on the real problem.]
What am I doing. What's even happening anymore? [All said from behind his hands.] We're not supposed to be this close. And anyway speaking of fraternizing with the 'enemy', that would mean having to be way more discrete about seeing you, too.
[A thoughtful pause.] But I can go without seeing him. I spent the entire month of February without Nico and it was fine. [Sort of lonely and miserable for various reasons and he was a little too far in the boy's personal space when they teamed up again, but Joshua doesn't need to know that.]
no subject
Well, other than your friend. After all, if he's a demigod, then the Fates are very real, and have spun a cruel life for him in their thread. No Greek hero leads a happy life, at least not for long. The greater the hero, the more tragedy the Fates give them. Though, I hope his fate is more like Odysseus than Achilles, since at least Odysseus had a happier end than most Greek heroes.
Currently, our Monarchs aren't...around, I suppose is the best way of putting it. Only high ranking Seelie have been permitted to see them since May.
[He shrugs like it's no big deal revealing this information to Hiro.]
Perhaps it's because you've been thinking with your heart more than you have with your mind.
[Slight eyebrow raise.] Having some trouble with being separated from Nico, are you?
[It's totally an innocent question, but...it's also Joshua who's asking.]
no subject
...yeah, so I've read. And so I've heard. I've been doing a lot of reading about Greek myth lately. [...Hiro you are seriously an idiot, come on.] I mean I read Homer's work when I was in high school but I've been digging up other stuff to learn more about the myths and the gods. Nico once told me this place is kind of like a nice vacation for them even with the war going on. It's sort of hard to picture. [And it's actually kind of sad.]
Oh yeah? [Carefully. He's treading carefully because he never actually said that Morla was gone, just that Jason wanted to turn him in to her.] Nobody else knows where they are?
[That phrase just causes him to look at Joshua, eyes widening slightly as he lets that sink in. No. Nope. No, bye, nuh-uh. The question doesn't do much else to help either.]
I never said that. [Not in so many words. Why so quick to the defense, Hiro?]
no subject
Homer put it very nicely, I believe. 'A man who has been through bitter experiences and traveled far enjoys even his sufferings after a time.' And I think another applies just as well: 'Be strong, saith my heart; I am a soldier; I have seen worse sights than this.'
Hmm, I would imagine that they're still at Caer Glaem, but there have been no audiences and they're not willing to speak to anyone else. Odd, isn't it, considering how the attack on Caer Scima fared?
[This is making Joshua so gleeful, but luckily he doesn't let that on at all.]
So defensive all of a sudden! It was merely a question.
no subject
I…yeah. [He just sort of blinks in response, not at all missing just how relevant those quotes are. (And not at all missing the fact that Joshua picked those two on purpose. Jerk.)] That's right. [It sort of sucks how well those applied to his entirely life and he's curled up a little staring at his shoes again as he lets those thoughts roll through his head. Things have been rocky for the last couple of months, but…he's seen worse. And he's still doing okay.
What did all of that mean anyway?]
Considering you guys completely obliterated our castle? Yeah. Odd. [The castle's rebuilt now, but he hasn't been back yet. He's not even sure he's ready to go back.] Surprised nobody else has bothered to go look for them.
[There's that tight clench in his chest again, fingers digging into his shin even as he glares at his shoes.] It's a ridiculous question and you know it. [He looks up again.] I could be separated from him as long as I want. You know I can handle things by myself just fine.
[But he doesn't want to. Not anymore. He's torn between asking for help like people keep telling him to do and proving himself like always and that's how things blow up in his face. And with Nico, part of him wants to just tell Joshua to shut up with his questions and part of him wants to admit everything he's already concluded and part of him wants to throw his chair at Joshua and part of him wants to kind of cry and everything's terrible and seriously he was pulled in to fight a war he didn't sign up for, couldn't he have received a pass on having to deal with his complicated emotions? How the hell is this fair? Without realizing it, he drops his gaze again and mumbles under his breath.]
…this isn't fair.
no subject
Now, now, on our side of things, it looked like you unleashed the Jabberwock in retaliation. [Joshua gives Hiro a slightly amused look.] Not to mention, had it been reversed, you, too, would have torn down Caer Glaem's walls. Unswerving loyalty to the Monarchs of your Court, right?
[From anyone else, that question might sound like a mockery. From Joshua, it just sounds like a joke, almost like being completely and totally loyal to them is something to be laughed at.]
Regardless, it's difficult to find an extremely powerful being when they don't want to be found. I'm more interested in finding out who did it, why, and how.
[Someone or something powerful enough to bring even the Monarchs to their knees? It's something to be interested in, and Joshua has no doubts that there might come a time where that power falls into the wrong hands. Still...it's only conjecture that it even exists in the first place.
He almost laughs, however, when Hiro mumbles that.]
Of course not. Nothing is fair. Not life, not war, not even love. I've found that the only fair thing is in death, though even that can vary.
no subject
[His nostrils flare a bit.] She was a baby. You guys didn't have to kill her. [But he waves a hand in the air.] But we could go back and forth with the blame game for ages. I could tell you tell you exactly why your side's wrong and trump any arguments you have. [It's a little mockery of his own, a slightly sarcastic smirk on his lips waiting to see what Joshua does. What Joshua knows.
But currently? He's not sure who he's loyal to either but he won't dare say so.] You think it's someone else actually making them bow and not them just turning tail to let us fend for ourselves? What makes you think that?
[Joshua don't laugh. He's literally on the verge of clamming back up and dropping the subject entirely.] I wish everybody would stop saying it's love. I'm not in love with him. Just so we're clear on that. [However.] How can you say death is fair? Tadashi's wasn't fair…and I don't think yours really was either.
1/2
[Joshua just looks amused.]
You think so, do you? Well, then enlighten me. I've always been an avid supporter of learning new things.
[His tone is so mild and casual, especially in the face of Hiro's sarcasm.
Joshua hums in thought.] I don't know about the Unseelie Monarchs, so I can't say what's going on with yours. However, from what I've seen and heard of High King Ridire, when there's need, he's always been at the front lines with his most valued soldiers. As strict and righteous as he is boyish and kind. Likewise, High Queen Solais is as free to give out her affection to her Shardbearers as she is to punish them. Their prolonged absence is unlike them, and even when there were no audiences, their presence was still...palpable. What really tipped me off to something being wrong was when June came and went without a single new Shardbearer, not to mention our Lockets dying at the beginning of May. While I concede this may be a very clever ruse on their parts, I somehow don't think so. I don't think this is what they intended, especially if it's putting a stop to having fresh blood in their ranks.
2/2
[That last bit actually gives Joshua pause. He's never had that said to him before, or at least not to his face. He's suspected that Sanae has similar thoughts, that Joshua's death hadn't been fair, but that's about it. For once, he's not sure how to feel about it.
Instead of pondering over his feelings, he decides to shelve them for the time being.]
In death, we're all on equal ground, at least in the more traditional versions of the afterlife. The Judges don't care about excuses, only truth and justice. They'll judge each soul fairly, either damning them for their crimes or sending them off to the paradise they so deserve for doing good in their lives. My job is not so different in that regard, but I focus on the present and future rather than the past.
[He brushes the hair out of his face, a soft chuckle escaping him with a somewhat dark edge to it.]
I never said dying was fair, though. Tadashi made a choice, and so did I. True, his death wasn't something he necessarily chose, but he knew the risk and felt it was worth it, even if later it turned out to have been in vain. [Just like Joshua knew, understood, and judged the risk as worth taking.]
no subject
[Joshua you're still a dick. And Hiro just fixes him with a very, very firm look.]
They want to destroy everything. Did you know that? Did you know that your side's fighting for the end of all of the worlds? [He's hoping he'll wipe the smug look off of Joshua's face, but it's evident that even in speaking about it he's sort of scared of the possibility.]
Morla's…I don't know anything about our king, but I learned a lot about Morla recently even if I've never met her. It's the same for us though. It's supposedly unlike them to just disappear and that's what doesn't make sense. They can't just go into hiding because something bigger's coming, that's insane. It's totally insane! What are we supposed to do if we don't know what they're afraid of? We don't know if they're going to start bringing in new Shardbearers anytime soon, but there's plenty of rumors about the ones that are around being killed.
[There's a cringe at that though. Romantic love. Love in general. Promises. Stupid bullshit words that he has a hard time choking down and he finally sits up, leaning his elbows on the table and wrapping his hands around the back of his neck. There's a very deep, unsteady breath before he finally starts to talk.]
I can't let it be anything remotely romantic but…I've calculated it over and over again. Nothing else makes sense. Nothing else adds up and I don't know if that's really it because I've never--people aren't supposed to feel so much for other people. I'm not supposed to feel this much for another person, especially not this. I don't want it. I can't want it, doesn't anybody get that? Doesn't anybody get how bad it'd be? I can't let something like love get in the way when I could end up having to kill him and I don't know which is scarier. Both? I don't want to be this close with the idea that I could end up destroying it and losing somebody else, too. It's just worse because as long as he's Seelie it's pretty inevitable.
[You totally wanted this, didn't you, Joshua? His response about death doesn't help, either.]
Oh shut up, Joshua! [He looks up from the tabletop and it's hard to say if he's angry or upset or what the hell is going on here.] I don't care if you think it's equal ground and I don't care about "judging fairly" because it's still not fair! It's justification for a stupid system that's rigged to benefit the Judges instead of thinking about the people that lost their lives before they were supposed to!
I don't believe you. [Hiro, stop.] I don't believe it was really your choice. There are too many other factors that played against you to make it a real choice. There's a difference between knowing the risk and actually going through with something and you know what I think? You really wanna know what I think? I don't think either of you knew what the consequences really would be by taking that risk, just like I never would have thought these would be the consequences for fall--[Whoa, whoa, fucking whoa.]--following Nico's path.
And it's too late to go backwards. It's too late for you, it's too late for Tadashi, and it's too late for me and I don't know if this is what I was supposed to do. Do you really think the way you died was the way you were supposed to go?
[…wow. He looks stunned by all of the words and emotions that just sort of came tumbling out of his mouth and he goes quiet then.]
Look at me. Look at me with a straight face and tell me you really, honestly believe that.
TW: Suicide
['Cherish it,' goes unsaid. He doesn't really need to tell Hiro to do that as the teenager obviously does already.
Joshua raises his eyebrows, but otherwise doesn't look surprised. If anything, it's just confirmed that this war has more stakes in it than it originally appeared to have.]
And what do you think your side is fighting for? To save all but the Seelie Court? Or do you truly think that if the Unseelie Court wins, then everything is saved and life can go back to how it used to be?
[It's almost disconcerting how dispassionate he is as he asks all those questions.
Joshua actually sighs at the end of the romance spiel.]
Dear me, Hiro, you sound as if you're the only one who's had cross-court dealings of that sort. I'm sure there are others in the Unseelie side who can help and give you better advice than I can. However, there's something interesting about the Seelie side that I don't think you know about. One of our, hm, tenants I suppose you could say. [He looks incredibly amused, but there's a hint of irony in his expression.] 'Love conquers all.'
[Joshua folds his arms across the tabletop and leans forward slightly. His purple eyes meet Hiro's dark ones without wavering, and are more piercing now than they had been a moment ago.]
Do you think we choose the time people die? I hate to tell you, but we don't. That's not our job. Our job is to judge those souls who come into our realm, our version of the Underworld. We are not Death, Thanatos, the Grim Reaper, whatever you wish to call it. Very rarely, we even judge whether it would be prudent or wise to start the living world from scratch. [The kind of smile Joshua has on his face is more ironic.] Such as the story of Joshua, my sort-of namesake.
The point is, the judges gain nothing by doing this, Hiro. Absolutely nothing. The only ones who gain or lose are the souls who are judged. Perhaps there's some satisfaction to gain when the wicked get sent to their just reward for eternal damnation or when someone who's been good even through the darkest of times in their life can finally find peace in paradise, but there's nothing concrete.
[And still Joshua's eyes don't leave Hiro's. Now, for the heart of it.]
I took the time to learn everything I could about the Game, how the system worked, how everything was structured and how the hierarchy among the Reapers was organized. I learned about the Noise, the Players, the Pacts, the rules you had to follow if you joined the Reaper's Game. I learned about the Composer, how his job worked, how you could become the next one. I learned about the Conductor and how his job worked. After all of that, I formulated a plan and a few back-up plans, if I survived.
Then, I did my research on the myriad ways one could die. I knew exactly what I wanted. It had to be quiet, for one thing. It had to be a guaranteed death. Finally, it could not attract undue attention.
[He says all of this so calmly, so clinically that it's almost like he's a doctor telling a patient about a medical procedure. He's also remember the dream the harp had given him, both a reminder and a taunt of the choice he'd made.]
A gun wouldn't do. It would be loud, it's not always a guaranteed death, and it would be very suspicious if I purchased one and tried to sneak it into the house. A noose wouldn't do, either. Strangulation is, after all, a very long, very painful death, and there's always the chance that someone would hear and come looking out of curiosity or some other reason. Poison or overdosing on medication would be even worse, and I never even considered throwing myself off of a roof. So. I figured that the best way would be to bleed out. It was quiet, though admittedly messy, but it was the best option. All I needed to know was where exactly to cut, and that was easy enough to find out. It's amazing what you can find out in a medical textbook rented out of a local library.
The scar is no longer there, of course. It disappeared the moment I entered the Game.
[He pauses only long enough to let all of that information sink in before continuing on as he has been.]
So. To answer your question, yes. It was very much the way I was supposed to go because that was what I chose. I have no regrets on that decision.
no subject
[And you can bet he cherishes that. It’s all the more reason this war is troublesome.]
I don’t know, but I know we at least don’t want to throw everything away. And also your monarch is scarier than ours. I never said that’s what I think but I know that this is the better option. Can’t you see that?
[How can’t Joshua see that? He has to, despite how bored he sounds. When it comes to the thing about love though…he falters again. That twisted sensation in his stomach. The tightness in his throat. The way his heart’s beating in his ears.
Why the hell is love so strange? The words don’t escape him and he, like Joshua, raises both eyebrows in return. He’s not exactly amused, but he’s more perplexed than anything.]
That’s really funny because one of our is ‘Passion before duty’ and oh my god, I’m stupid. [Yeah. Yeeeeeah guess what just clicked. There’s a small inhale as he reorganizes his thoughts again, more fixated on talking into his lap.] I’m not gonna go around asking everybody on the Unseelie side if they’ve ever been infatuated with a Seelie. That’s probably the fastest way to get turned over to Morla. But…anyway it doesn’t matter. Nico’s not into guys, I can’t be into Nico, end of discussion. It doesn’t matter how I feel about him. I know how I feel about him, but I’m not breaking his trust by, like, I don’t know, kissing him or something. I'll figure something out. It'll go away on its own just like everything else.
[Ah. Death. He doesn’t do anything to break the gaze either, listening to everything Joshua says and though several questions crop up, along with several arguments, he can’t help but remain silent.
The longer Joshua talks though, the more he finds he wants him to stop talking. No. This wasn’t what he wanted. He wanted to prove a point. He didn’t want to hear about just how calculated and precise Joshua’s death was, and he certainly didn’t want to know about the plans that were made. He didn’t want to know steps Joshua had taken to assure that death was, in fact, he own personal choice because it meant more things than Hiro thought he could handle. It’s more than just a suicide. It was a reversal murder. It wasn’t just having a plan to die, but it was a plan on what to do in the afterlife, what to do to assure that everything would go just as planned and it feels so cold and emotionless that he has a hard time grasping. Death, to him, has a lot to do with leaving people behind. If Joshua had formulated such a plan, he fully intended to wipe himself off the map and though they’ve discussed this, though Joshua’s so damn calm about it, Hiro’s having a hard time accepting the idea at face value.
When Joshua begins laying out the methods of suicide and why they won’t work, Hiro finds his arms curling around his chest, fingers digging into his own ribs eventually hard enough to leave little crescent moons in his skin even through his shirt.
Even in his darkest moments, suicide had never occurred to him. Maybe as a very fleeting thought of “if I didn’t wake up, it’d be okay” but never anything purposeful and never anything like this. Everything he’s just told Joshua about Nico and the Shuck and the last year seems so hilarious now. So childish. So inconsequential.
And Joshua once again proves just how foolish Hiro actually can be.
When he speaks, the tone’s low and his voice is a little shaky, but he’s working with what he can.]
…okay. [But it still wasn’t fair. He keeps that thought to himself and takes a moment to recompose himself.] Jason keeps warning me not to have a death wish, and…I kinda told him I wanted to choose how I was going to die. [Not in so many words, but close. Hearing this now though? That thought has quite literally been scared out of him. ] But I don’t have a plan for what comes after. I’m not ready for that. I’m not ready for any of this.
[This, of course, being the theory of everything and elaborating and wrestling with his own thoughts and emotions. Joshua had warned him. Joshua had warned him about caged feelings and how they’re going to destroy him and Hiro had thought he’d be able to prove him wrong, but he’s having trouble holding it together even now. He’s not proving anything and more than anything he simply feels ashamed of himself. Ashamed for being so stubborn to face the death of this world head-on, ashamed for thinking his Seelie versus Unseelie issues were actually that big of a deal when he could cut the ties, ashamed for yelling like a petulant child and thinking he actually had a point Joshua hadn’t already known. He can feel the hot flush creeping up over his face and his eyes remain firmly glued to the tabletop.]
Sorry. I get it now.
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[But there's a hint of fondness as he says that last bit.]
Scarier? ...Well, I suppose he can be rather formidable, much like how a lion can be simultaneously beautiful and terrifying. But I've observed kindness from him and his queen both. [Nothing to make him trust them 100%, though.] As, I'm sure, you've observed from your Monarchs on occasion.
[Joshua's stance is...different, especially in comparison to the rest of his comrades in the Seelie Court. He even takes a moment to consider laying out his way of thinking. In the end, he decides to take the middle road.]
I would love to debate the topic. Both sides have a very clear, valid point. On one hand, it's wrong to deny life to the next generation of worlds once the current one grows old and dies. On the other, it's also not entirely right to ask us to give up our own lives for a mere possibility of something coming next. Thus, we have conflict. However, there's an important question to ask. If you try to save the world, break free from this 'cycle,' then will it actually be our salvation or will it prove to be our damnation?
[He will Judge the world's problem to see which is the best course of action, and whether it's truly worth saving. It almost brings a smile to his face at how similar this decision will be to the one he made regarding Shibuya's fate. It seems he may well be destined to continue to decide his own death, even in another world.]
...Helen Keller once said, 'What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.' Maya Angelou also said, 'Love is a virus. It can happen to anyone at anytime.' Whatever you decide to do, make it count. I don't doubt that when our Monarchs return, things will be very different.
[Joshua stretches his arms, leaning back in his chair as relaxed as before. There's a reason he doesn't talk about his death very much, and Hiro's reaction is only one part of that reason. Now, for the moment, the intensity has passed.]
You're forgiven. [His tone is breezy, like they hadn't just been discussing something as serious as his suicide.] Your place isn't on a battlefield, and that's perfectly acceptable. Even I have no place as a soldier. We can defend ourselves perfectly fine, but it's not our life, our purpose. I wouldn't advise looking to choose your death, Hiro. Simply be prepared that, eventually, there'll come a time in which a choice must be made, for war doesn't stop on the battlefield. It can just as easily enter into the home of civilians as an unwanted house guest.
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I’m not scared of lions. But…I haven’t actually met our Monarchs. I’ve just heard about them and I’ve heard good things about them. [And maybe some not good things but the good outweighs the bad so far.] I did a bunch of research and learned about Morla last fall. How do you know their kindness is genuine?
[It’s a good question. It’s one he’s been thinking about himself lately, one he hasn’t expressed to anybody else but apparently now Joshua.] There’s gotta be another way. A third option. Like…like some kind of purgatory, don’t you think? Something that isn’t saving or isn’t damning but just puts us at a standstill so we can choose the next path and wait to see what the outcome will really be. A save point. Can’t that apply to this?
[It’s not something he has an answer to and it drives him crazy. Then again, the quotes about love drive him crazier.]
…so you’re saying just to do something before it’s too late, no matter what that something is. [He sighs, rolling his eyes before letting his tongue swipe over his lower lip briefly.] I’ll think about it.
[But why think about it when this is a much more important topic? (Then again, they’re equally important whether he admits it or not.)] How do you know my place isn’t on the field? I could learn. [But he quiets again, arguments dying down as he listens.] …how can a person be ready for death if they aren’t choosing it themselves? Just tell me that.
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I have heard good and bad about the Seelie Monarchs, but nothing good about yours. Isn't that the way of it, though? 'The other side is bad. Ours is the good one. Ours is in the right and the others must be stopped before it's too late.' [He shrugs lightly.] I believe that both sets of Monarchs are as kind to their Shardbearers as necessary to gain loyalty and their service. At the same time, I have observed that they enjoy free will, and will not force people to fight for them. They may live as they so please, as long as it doesn't endanger their side.
[Joshua hums a little in thought.]
A way to buy us more time, perhaps. That might be possible. However, if the path we choose turns out to be incorrect, I rather doubt that we'll be able to start over and try something else. Not unless you can part the veils of time itself and see what will happen if certain choices or actions are taken.
[Another shrug.]
Thinking about it is good.
[He raises his eyebrows.]
Really, Hiro, you don't strike me as the type to cut down swathes of humans or other sentient lifeforms in the way a soldier would. Will you be able to take orders in the field from a commanding officer? Will you have the discipline necessary to take a life and hold your ground against an onslaught of people trying to kill you? It's a bloody free-for-all with the only goal being to survive to the next day...or battle, as it were.
Entropy is running. We'll all die eventually, due to old age or something unexpected happens. Even I can die in my home world, and it will most likely not be my choice. Eventually, the whole universe will die. It's the way of things. You accept the inevitable, that death will come for you eventually, but until then you choose how you live.
[He pauses for a moment.]
There's also the possibility that you'll be forced to make the same choice Tadashi did. I wonder, what choice will you make in that moment? [Joshua asks this idly, as he knows it's not an answer Hiro can truly answer right away. Nobody can, not until they're faced with it.]
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Sounds about right seeing how that's pretty much what I've heard about yours, too. This whole thing is just a bunch of people telling the same story over and over again but changing it so it suits them. [Gee Hiro sound like anybody you know?] And once they lose someone's loyalty...that's it. They have no reason to keep your around. But I don't know if I really believe they don't force people to fight for them. Otherwise we would be able to actually leave when we felt like it. You know. If we're talking about free will.
Maybe there's no way of knowing. But...I'm still not excited by the idea of the worlds coming to an end, salvation or not.
[...and all right, that's true, he'll give Joshua that. He's not a great candidate for a soldier and he wouldn't be able to take orders. That's always been Hiro's problem. He's usually the one calling orders.] ...I don't know. But you know eventually we're going to have to make a choice to do it anyway. I know people die eventually and that immortality is a hard thing to achieve, but there's a different between accepting the inevitable and letting it come to you without trying to choose how it fits into your own life. If I'm choosing how to live, I want to choose how to die. Simple.
[Not simple. He still doesn't understand the true, heavy implications behind that.
Give him a few weeks and he'll get it thanks to Jason, but.His expression suddenly falters then.]Don't. Don't tell me that. I'm pretty sure I'm never going to run into a burning building without a real course of action first. [So he says. But again, Joshua's right. Nobody can really know until they're faced with the dilemma. He's pretty sure though.] What Tadashi did was...I wouldn't. There would be a better plan.
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That sounds familiar. [He sounds almost polite.] Interesting, is it not, that the faeries will give us a choice, but the imps will just cut to the chase and kidnap you? When it comes to going home, however, I do not believe that either of them currently have that power. They have enough to bring us from our world to this one. Or perhaps the knowledge of sending Shardbearers back has been lost over the eons. At the end of the day, all that matters are shards to them.
Of course not. Neither am I, but sometimes it is a...necessity.
[Speaking from personal experience he is. Had Neku not changed as he did, Shibuya would've been no more, and Joshua would have ceased to be. There was a bigger picture than just Shibuya. His Game had far-reaching influence in Tokyo, and if his home had turned into a poison that would kill the whole city...well. He would take that sacrifice to prevent the whole city's destruction, and perhaps that was the true reason the Seelie had wanted him on their side.]
Simplicity such as that comes from being youthful. This, too, is a choice. You can choose to make it as simple or as complex as you wish. Only by keeping an open mind will more options open themselves up to you.
[He tilts his head, looking amused.]
Even if it was Nico or Jason trapped in that burning building? Sometimes, Hiro, there's no time for careful planning. I wonder what snap decision you'll make if it happens.
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[Just a pointed look. Shut up Joshua.] I think the imps are more effective even if I don't agree with their methods. What do the fairies do if you say no, move on to the next person? It doesn't make any sense to me. Currently though? I don't think it's a lack of knowledge. I think it's a lack of power and a lack of caring to send us away before we've served our purpose. [That opinion will change soon, too.]
It's war, Joshua. When isn't it really a necessity? [He doesn't know what Joshua's really thinking of course, doesn't know the true extent he'd go to for the sake of Shibuya…but he can sort of guess. Sort of. Would he do the same for San Fransokyo? It's hard to say.]
Is that the polite way of telling me you think I'm being naive? Not that polite, dude. [There's a slight exhale though.] But okay. That's fair. Options…I like options. That's all I want.
[…and that calm shifts straight into horrified.]
I…[Wow. No. Wow.] Jason and Nico can take care of themselves. I'm not going to have to save them from a burning building. [He brushes it off with a slightly nervous laugh.] I forget that sometimes you like to be morbid.
[But it's clear that he's definitely thinking about it now. What will he do? What would it take to push him over the edge to protect and fight for Nico or Jason? He's hoping he won't have to find out anytime soon.]
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[Joshua actually sighs.]
Hiro, the reason you can't understand is because you were never going to be destined to fight as a Seelie. You will always be chaotically aligned. The faeries appeal to our sense of duty, and to refuse means that they will move on. There are countless worlds with countless Shardbearers that could be aligned to the Seelie cause. I imagine that most of the time, one invited by the faeries will say yes. As such, they'll respect one who says no. They are order, and willingness is important to their Court. Duty. Honor. Chivalry. Beauty. Those are what make people fight for their side.
[He giggles at that.]
There is a difference between knowing it's a necessity and experiencing that necessity for yourself. I'm sure you'll find out soon enough. [That's always been Joshua's way. He'll never give his own reasons unless he feels it's necessary. He finds it more important that the other person finds their way without having Joshua's experiences and thoughts coloring their perspective. If it paints him as the 'bad guy,' then he will take it with grace.]
No, not naive. Not quite, at any rate. Life is complicated enough as it is. Why wouldn't anyone try to simplify it, to leave out the shades of grey and keep it all black and white? For some, it's their only form of coping.
[The shift is good, since that means he's making Hiro think about it. It doesn't stop Joshua from being casual.]
Well, I feel that I have to be, considering I'm technically dead. I would remind you, though, that even the greatest of heroes have fallen for one reason or another.
[For once, there's a hint of sympathy in Joshua's face as he says this next part:]
To die in a place that is not home, that is foreign in all senses of the word, I believe that would be the cruelest thing that could happen.
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