YOSHIYA 'JOSHUA' KIRYU
COURT Seelie
TITLE N/A
OCCUPATION Composer
ABLE TO FAST-TRAVEL Teleportation - Restricted to Glaschu; Wings - Can be made physical at will
COMMUNICATION METHODS Compass purchased from Hermione Granger.
RESIDENCE IN 2,701 Caer Glaem
RESIDENCE IN 2,702 Possibly Caer Glaem
MAJOR EVENTS
HIGHLIGHT
Description [ ✖ ]
HIGHLIGHT
Description [ ✖ ]
HIGHLIGHT
Description [ ✖ ]
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PLANS
Joshua will be keeping his eyes and ears peeled for information of all sorts. For the most part, this will be a year of adjustment for him as he gets used to his power caps and being more mortal than he used to be. He's also going to be annoying people staying in relative contact with people he's already met (or will meet) on either side. !!!IF YOU WISH TO PLAN ANYTHING WITH JOSHUA, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO PM THIS JOURNAL FOR FURTHER DISCUSSION!!!
SUMMARY OF KNOWN DETAILS
He's going to meet the Black Shuck for the first time and have a lovely conversation with him. Joshua will also accomplish being on somewhat good terms with Hiro Hamada and Sansa Stark. He's going to pester the hell out of Hiro, mark his words.
TIMELINE OF EVENTS
| SPRING IN 2,701 (Mar, Apr, May) |
- MARCH - He'll delve into a small part of his powers in order to help out the natives and maybe some other Shardbearers. Joshua may or may not take great pleasure/amusement out of this.
- APRIL - Wow he is so not down with losing control like that. Joshua is going to instantly destroy his harp the moment he finds it in his dreams. Nobody, not even himself, wants a wild, out-of-control-emotionally Joshua. Good thing nobody he knows from his world is here, jfc.
- MAY - You know what's useful? Swans that turn into gold on death. Hell yes, he'll kill some swans and help out. Hopefully use their gold corpses as currency.
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| SUMMER IN 2,701 (Jun, Jul, Aug) |
- JUNE - Josh's participating in the Magic Dueling part of Treun's Tourney! Otherwise, he'll just be a spectator. Joshua, sadly, doesn't think he'll be of use to anyone wanting to heal the areas affected by the Jabberwock, but if asked for advice, then he'll try to give theories/something.
- JULY - He's going to keep his wits about him more-so than usual. He'll be interested in looking into these rumors about that Shardbearer creating the fox masks and any other information people dig up on the guy.
- AUGUST - Joshua will visit the Cothromach to take a look at what Sansa's got planned! He'll also look in on the festivities at Leathann, probably on the roof of some building.
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| FALL IN 2,701 (Sept, Oct, Nov) |
- SEPTEMBER - Well, hopefully people know either English or Japanese, else they'll never understand what the heck he's saying. He might be insulting your mother for all you know.
- OCTOBER - FUCK YEAH SAMHAIN TIME TO MEET THE DEATH DOG AND PAY HIS RESPECTS!!!!
- NOVEMBER - Some poor schmuck is probably going to try roughing up this pretty boy. Pity it's going to backfire tremendously on them as Joshua cheerfully hands them over to the Leathann authorities
or send their souls to Black Shuck and give the authorities their dead bodies, whichever
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| WINTER IN 2,701/2,702 (Dec, Jan, Feb) |
- DECEMBER - Nah. Hunting and sweating? Nah. Nah, man.
- JANUARY - Joshua turns a year older as of January 1st!
- FEBRUARY - He'll be going to the Ostara Festival in Parrais. Art and music call to him, though he won't participate. Joshua will merely enjoy what the artists and musicians will bring to the occasion.
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| SPRING IN 2,702 (Mar, Apr) |
- MARCH - Time to behead some skeletons and get in touch with his inner Queen of Hearts!
- APRIL - What the actual fuck, fairies.
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![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Okay. Let's start in...February, I guess. When we first got here. ["We" because he knows Josh arrived the same time he did.] You know how the whole battle happened and we were all kind of screwed...mostly us. [Seelie...] And I know you know about the locket post I made at the end of the month.
...you weren't the only Seelie to comment. You weren't even the only Seelie to comment that I talked to for a really long time. There were a few of them, actually, but there was somebody in particular that sort of really made me stop and think about things. We're the same age and we've had a lot of the same experiences, and we both...kind of just get it. I only talked to him that one time and then everything went down in May and I lost contact with pretty much everybody.
You heard about the tournament in Treun, right? [Wait, hold on.] Let me back up a second. So...you remember everything in April and everything we talked about. In May I went to find somebody really important to me...his name's Jason. He's probably--no, actually? He is the most important person to me here and I basically did something really stupid just to try to find him. And that stupid thing made him really mad and we kinda fought a lot when I did find him and he hit on a lot of the same points you did. I can't handle everything by myself. But you guys didn't really think I wouldn't try, did you? [There's a pause.] Thinking about it now, I sort of wish I didn't try. But basically? I promised Jason I'd stay back and stop trying to do everything and stay where I was to stay safe, basically. And I wish I hadn't promised him that because I broke that promise pretty much a month later. ["And I actually feel really, really bad about it."]
Anyway so the tournament was in June and that was the first time I broke my promise to Jason. I hitched a ride out there, set up a betting pool, watched my friends fight..it was fine. Everything was fine until the natives got mad I was cheating them out of their gold and so I ran. I ended up running and it's funny...it's almost like this was pre-written destiny or something, if you believe in that kind of thing. I don’t think I do. I would rather choose my own destiny than have it pre-written but anyway, I ran into that Seelie I told you about. The one who understood things. He was a fighter in the Melee but I think we both sort of recognized each other immediately.
…his name’s Nico. And he’s somehow gone from being “zombie controller who helped attack our castle and my friends” to “guy who knows exactly what it’s like to be me on some days” to “someone I want to spend more time with willingly and force him to watch Disney movies” to “one of the better friends I’ve ever had in my life.” And you know what? I’m kind of scared of that still. Anyway so I ran into Nico and he shadow-traveled us out into hiding and we hung out for a while and I didn’t die. That’s the point. Let’s cut to August when I got back from a trip up north…Nico found me at the Station and asked if I wanted to go to Leathann to see the festival of lights. That’s the second time I broke my promise to Jason. I disappeared with Nico for a week.
Right after my birthday I saw Nico again and he gave me something so we could stay in touch. It’s kind of personal and I don’t know how many people know about it but we’ve been using it to communicate. It’s different than the network I set up for my friends and I. This just seems…safer? I guess? Anyway so one time we were talking and he told me about the Black Shuck and he never really specified everything but he said he had to apologize for something. And…it’s big. And when you do big things, you shouldn’t have to do them alone. So I told him I’d come with him. I made another promise that I’d stick with him no matter what Shuck did so we made a plan to see him during Samhain. …that’s the second time I wonder if I should have ever promised anything.
So I don’t see Nico for several months but I’m spending time with my own friends learning things…someone taught me how to fight with a dagger. Jason was teaching me physical combat. And I was doing a ton of reading and researching on my own. So at Samhain we meet up and we go see Shuck. He wasn’t mad. He was just disappointed…and so to make up for it, he decided to send Nico on a mission for him. Problem with that is that he sent me, too. And like I said, I promised Nico that I’d stick around for everything because that’s what you do for friends.
[Screw it, you know what, he’s just going to shift in his chair so that he’s sitting sideways with his legs dangling over one arm and his head and upper back resting against another so he can stare at the ceiling.]
Nico was pretty sold on telling me I couldn’t come with him. It was too dangerous and I didn’t know anything about taking down the dead and he didn’t want me risking it because he wasn’t sure he could keep both of us safe. So…we ended up running into another friend of mine. Name’s Loki. Yeah, that Loki. I’m not as clever as I thought I guess because Loki’s been tracking me for months and knew where I was going when I’d leave to see Nico. So Nico opens his fat mouth and tells Loki pretty much everything about what the Shuck is having us do and Loki agrees with me that it’s better not to piss Shuck off. Which is true.
Nico gets started without me and Loki and I sort of argue about it. I think the point was, and I quote, “this is the stupidest thing I’ve ever done.” And…maybe he’s right. Maybe this was stupid but I couldn’t bail. I also couldn’t let Loki tell Jason before I told Jason because Jason would get mad so I promised Loki I’d tell him soon.
Broken promise number three. [There’s a thick swallow as he clears his throat. It’s obvious he’s not used to laying it out like this and it’s also clear that he’s starting to hit the bigger part of the story.] …around Yule, Nico sends me a present and one of the things is a dagger. One thing kinda led to another and I basically bullied him into taking me with him after Yule to start fulfilling Shuck’s task. Nico’s like “I’m going to train you really hard” and blahblahblah and tells me about his powers and just…[He bites his lip.] …he trusts me. Nico doesn’t trust a lot of people, but he trusts me. [“And I trust him. That’s the problem.”] Since we were leaving I knew I had to tell Jason…so I called Jason and tried to explain everything. You can imagine how that went. He was really mad that I was going to do this, really mad that Nico’s a Seelie and mostly really mad that I wasn’t listening to him. I never listen to him. But then he asked if I was ready to join Tadashi and I just sort of lost it and hung up on him and left…and Jason broke the device I gave him so I lost contact with him for months.
January was spent traveling with Nico alone and being trained. He kinda kicked my ass a lot and I think he probably enjoyed it because he’s kind of a jerk sometimes, too. But I can’t say the same wouldn’t be true if it was the other way around. He’s a good teacher though. I could probably flay somebody open without blinking now. [You know, as long as they’re dead. Or something. Ahaha let’s not try to murder people.] Anyway we traveled and Nico did his ghost thing and I was helping catch some of the others in jars until we could lay them to rest like Shuck asked and then around February we realized I needed to figure out how to do this myself. We can’t always be together…so I split and headed for Redgate with my friend Billy. And…Billy and I kinda talked about stuff, and Billy’s from the same world as Loki so we went to see Loki in Redgate because he’s a professor there and so I talked to Loki about some stuff that’s not really important and got information I needed and then I heard rumors about a woman in Mair. So…that’s where I went next. She taught me a lot, too. And after that? Nico picked me up and we were back to where we started, but this time I was a lot more useful. You know me. I like learning things and trying to take on everything myself but…Nico and I are a really, really good team.
The whole month of March was just spent with the two of us being ghostbusters or whatever and a few weeks ago at the end of it we came here to restock and just regroup. Let’s go back to the idea of pre-written destiny. Jason showed up. He…wasn’t really happy. [That’s an understatement.] …making a long story short? He basically told Nico that I was just using him and that the monarchs were going to kill him. Nico tried to explain but like…when Jason’s mad, he doesn’t listen to reason. And I can’t really say I was rational about it either, so…[A shrug.] He left.
[There’s a slight sniff because that’s probably the most recent.] Jason flipped out, left, and I chased after him on Nico’s hellhound and I tried to apologize but it wasn’t working because…because I was still blaming my problems on Jason instead, I guess. [That’s really what it was.] He says he’s going to turn me into Morla but right now? I don’t know if it matters. I don’t know if any of it matters because I have to finish this and I already lost Jason anyway. …well, sort of. I mean he told me how I could fix everything and try again but it means going home.
[He finally turns his head to look at Joshua again.] I haven’t been “home” since the end of Yule because I can’t leave Nico and I don’t know why. I don’t know how to get rid of the target on my back, I don’t know how to fulfill the task and get everybody to just chill out and how to apologize and how to fix it. That’s it. I don’t know how to fix this one. So…it sucks. I really, really wanted to show you that things had changed since last year but I think I just made everything worse and nothing makes sense anymore.
[“And I feel awful about it.” He finally stops though. That…it’s most of everything, barring some details he’s sure Joshua will worm out of him when he starts picking apart the story, but it’s definitely enough to be a drain on him and he just drops his eyes back to the floor. Now comes the hard part. The waiting. Waiting for Joshua to say something and waiting for the results.]
Kinda makes you wish you still didn’t know anything, huh?
no subject
Eventually, he's ready to give a 'verdict' and mine for more information.]
I must admit, that's an impressive way to mess up.
[There's no accusation or mockery in his tone. He just sounds like he's stating a simple fact.]
Before we get into the nitty-gritty, I do need to ask an important question. How have you presented that information to everyone you've mentioned? Jason in particular, since this seems to focus primarily on him and Nico.
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...I haven't. [Well, that's not entirely true.] I mean I have but not all of that all at once. With Jason I made him promise not to get mad and that was probably a bad idea. So...I told him I was leaving the spire, told him I was gonna hunt the dead with somebody and he immediately decided he was gonna go with us. And I told him no. That was the firs tthing that really pissed him off. And I told him about Nico and how Nico's a demigod and knows about death and he still didn't like that and he was mad Nico's Seelie and that I was doing something he didn't think I was capable of and asked if I was ready to join Tadashi and that was about the point I cut him off and told him I didn't care and was leaving.
Loki's been learning in chunks. Billy knows everything Billy needs to know to be updated. But I don't think either of them know about my last conversation with Jason. [A beat.] I was sort of a jerk to Jason the last time I talked to him. And I left a bunch of messages but he never got them because his device was busted, so when we saw each other again a few days ago it was just bad timing combined with both of us being mad about different things.
no subject
Here is how it appears to me. Your timing on giving information, first of all, needs more work. It's like you signed yourself up for a study abroad program, but didn't bother to let your aunt know until about two days before you're scheduled to leave. You gave a promise to stay in one place, which was, admittedly, a rather foolish thing for you to do considering your personality and general disposition for wanderlust. That promise means he's as good as your guardian, though unofficially, until you're released from it.
However, Jason most graciously gave you a chance to have a graceful way out of those particular consequences. Obviously, he must not have phrased it in the best way, but I have no way of knowing for sure since I wasn't there for that conversation. [And only has Hiro's word on it.] In any event, his want to go along with the two of you on your task was where you made your biggest mistake. By saying no, you're essentially telling him that you don't trust his abilities, you don't trust him, and you especially don't want him around for an extended period of time. Of course, it's a moot point if the Shuck specifically told you that it had to be you two alone with no interference by anyone else.
[Joshua hums thoughtfully.]
On the other hand, you could have still let Jason go with you as long as he didn't do anything that would hinder or sabotage your task. Either way, by saying yes, you would've saved yourself a lot of trouble with him.
[Now, he shrugs.]
It's in the past and can't be changed, though. What can change is how you conduct yourself in the future. The damage is salvageable, since Jason's giving you another chance. I'm sure that I don't need to tell you that your relationship won't be able to take another blow like that. You both need to earn each other's trust and respect again.
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...sometimes I think that Jason's like Tadashi, but he's not. Nobody can ever be Tadashi and I shouldn't be holding Jason to those standards because it's not fair to me but it's also not fair to him. I tried to tell him that he couldn't risk a bunch of stuff just to protect me but...that's something I'd tell my brother. Not somebody who's smart enough to do things more carefully and not somebody who wouldn't think things through more carefully before doing something fatal like run into a burning building based on hearsay.
[No more Tadashi. Don't let on how much you still miss Tadashi, Hiro.] Anyway guardian or not I probably could have asked him sooner than this instead of just doing it without saying so thinking I wouldn't get caught. This isn't home. Tadashi always knew where I was because he sewed trackers into my jackets but Jason only knows what I've told him. Loki knew because he was tracking me but he never told Jason.
I...that's not why I said no though. [And he knows Joshua knows that but it's still sort of a problem.] Shuck never really said we couldn't have outside help but I couldn't have Jason risking himself doing this, too. Besides, it was a task for me and Nico. Nobody else. Nobody else needed to get in the middle and it's not about not trusting Jason it's just that I had to do this myself. [And also he didn't want him around for that period because he had a feeling he'd fail a few times and Jason would only be proven right.] So I would have said yes and...what? Jason hauls me back home the minute I show him I wasn't ready for it? No way.
[Here he looks rather put-out because Joshua's right. He can't let his relationship with Jason take another hit. Not like this. He doesn't even know if Jason's really giving him another chance or how long that offer stands.] So how can I do that without ditching my other friends? By going home again it's kinda like telling Nico he's not important, but by staying with Nico it's kinda like telling Jason I don't actually care. Maybe everything was easier when I was operating by myself. I can't lose either of them though.
no subject
By admitting that, you've told me that you don't trust Jason to not let you make your own mistakes and learn from them while in the field. What you don't seem to see is that Jason's presence gives the man the ability to step in and handle the danger himself if it looks as though the enemy is too skillful for you at that point in time. He can't do that while he's in the Spire, now, can he? He certainly wouldn't take kindly to being left behind to twiddle his thumbs and wait for someone to come tell him whether you died or not.
Not to mention, it appears selfish of you to not let him take the risk or decision to put himself at risk to save you just because you don't want him to get hurt or killed. Do you have any right to take those choices away from him?
[He leans forward to rest his chin in one of his hands, propping his elbow up on the table.]
You can't ditch Nico just yet because, from the sounds of it, your task isn't complete. So. As far as I see it, the best solution is to write Jason a letter. Tell him when you plan on going home as exactly as you can, and stress to him that if you don't do this task, then the consequences you face will be worse than your High Queen could ever dream of carrying out. If something comes up, then it is an absolute necessity that you write to tell him what happened and how long of a delay you expect. The key is to keep him informed about your goings on as much as possible, as well as being consistent with your letters. This whole thing started by you keeping him out of the loop. Therefore, the best way to remedy it is by making sure he is in the loop and you can rebuild a foundation of trust.
no subject
--no. No more excuses. He couldn't keep dishing out excuses, that was exactly what the whole problem was. Joshua had made it a little more clear just how bad the whole thing looked and though he's not sure that's how Jason would see it, it makes plenty of sense to him. Damn.] So what you're saying is that I have to trust Jason to intervene where he feels like it so that he can trust me to handle what he thinks I can handle. [There's a loud sigh.] I guess not, but it's not like he'd trust me to do all of this anyway.
The problem is that I keep making bad choices with good intentions. [He'd figured that out a day or two ago.] I don't think it's that Jason's mad I'm doing things. I think...I think he's mad that I'm doing things without really thinking. He yells at me a lot about not thinking. Loki points out that I have to think things through a lot more carefully, too. But...[This is terrible. Everything about this is terrible.] ...I'm used to being able to think things through and having time to do so. Lately I'd been saying yes to things and then realizing it's a bad idea too late. All of this started because I wanted something and was already convinced Jason would say no, so I did it anyway.
[Just like he used to do with Tadashi.]
That's where it became the real problem. Once it was started, why stop? I know that didn't work but it kinda worked for a while.
And you're right, it's not done yet. We've got a long way to go but I don't know if I can make Jason wait that long. I don't even know if I can go home yet. He won't take letters. I'm pretty sure the only way I'll get to get things through to him is by going home and I can't yet. So...I don't know. Maybe I'll try that. I'll figure something out.
[The one thing that's clear though is the sincerity oozing from the conversation. He misses Jason a lot, and he's worried it's damaged beyond repair already. That, and of course, he's actually certain Jason won't listen to him if he doesn't take the bait and actually come home to prove he's capable of listening. Capable of caring about Jason's opinion. He's been awful about proving it lately.]
Definitely a big goal, though.
no subject
[He sighs a little.]
Your decision making needs to be re-tailored for this world, too. You need to look at things from a different angle. Nothing is linear anymore, Hiro. You need to think about how your decision will affect you, the people around you, what consequences you and others may face for the decision, and how it'll continue to affect your future.
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The fact that he had a choice to make now though was just as unsettling.]
...and if I mess stuff up with Nico? What then?
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[Wow, he really wishes he had more tea right now. Serious discussions are thirsty work. Joshua's regretting he didn't bring something with him.]
You haven't broken your trust with Nico before, so you'll have an easier time getting agreement from him. Just don't mess up as you did with Jason.
Also, you say that the two of you have an understanding of each other that most people don't have. If you explain it to Nico, then it's more than likely that he'll agree and understand why you need to do this. On the other hand, I know nothing of this Nico person other than the fact that he's Seelie and apparently has lost a sibling. I would guess an older one?
no subject
Messing up the way he had with Jason would end poorly. And he and Nico did seem to have an understanding most people didn't (which was bizarre in and of itself.)] We sort of talked about the Jason thing after Jason left. Nico's the one who told me to take Clifford and go apologize to him.
[...oh god it's happening again. That weird, twisted feeling in his gut that isn't out of emotional pain but rather something else he wasn't sure he wanted to think about. Thinking about Nico, or having to think of how to explain Nico to people, usually worked him up into a state where he felt his stomach twist and his heart beat a little faster as his brain went into overdrive and a strange, sort of pleased feeling took over.
Why this kept happening when Hiro firmly told his thoughts and emotions "no", he never understood.]
Older sister...sort of the same way Tadashi died. Trying to save somebody else. Nico was ten though. They're demigods so Nico's been sort of outcast his whole life for being a son of Hades which isn't fair since that's kinda not his fault but people treat him differently or are creeped out by his powers. I think I freaked him out when I told him his powers were kinda cool. He's...it's funny. He was born in the 30s but some stuff happened when he was a kid that he got stuck in a timeloop for like seventy years so that's why we're still the same age. He's a few months older than me though. He doesn't trust people very easily and you really have to work at it but when he does trust somebody that's kinda it. We're similar that way. It takes a lot to break trust for him and I haven't managed to do it yet. I've gotta be doing something right.
I don't know, he's just...good to have around. Sometimes I feel like Nico and I are the same person because he gets how my brain works. He gets how to use sarcasm and his sense of humor's kind of twisted but it's okay. Mine probably is, too. And he gets what it's like to want to learn everything in the world. I think he's just as curious as I am about how things work here even though he's been here way longer than me. He's a good storyteller if you can believe that. [A beat.] And he's probably just another reason I'm not dead yet because he's the voice of reason in this mission. Nico and I kind of work that way. He needs to loosen up and I think he thinks I need to calm down. [A mischievous grin.] I haven't told him it's working yet. We're a good team and I know he'd understand if I told him I have to leave for a while but...[And here he stops and he suddenly looks uncertain.] I guess the real thing is that I'm not sure I want to. Not for long anyway. Why can't I have a good balance and keep them both? That's what I want.
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...When he's in private, he's totally going to have a good laugh over this.]
Fate and time have a way of bringing people back together. If you really want to see him more often and to balance everything, then you'll need to understand what sacrifices you need to make in order for that to happen, as well as a general need for discretion. Use that intelligence of yours to find out a good strategy to keep things balanced, and never be afraid to ask for help from the people you trust wholeheartedly to not turn you in for fraternizing with the 'enemy.'
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It's not love. He'll deny it's love. Love's way too powerful and whatever it is that's going on isn't love. It's...something else? A crush, probably. It'll go away, maybe.
...yeah. Yeah, he's been telling himself that for a while now and it's not any closer to the truth, so even when he responds he doesn't notice the forlorn look on his face. And judging by his response, it's clear that he's actively avoiding drawing the conclusion Joshua already has.]
Thought I said I didn't believe in pre-written destinies. Fate falls into that category, too. You can't prove that fate's real. [He rolls his eyes.]
Jason I think wanted to kill him and now he's just going to let your monarch do it. Loki knows and pretty much told me to be discrete. I get it, I need to not be around so much. But there's the whole thing with Shuck and--[Oh forget it. He's just dragging his hands down his face, apparently dropping the veil and just hitting on the real problem.]
What am I doing. What's even happening anymore? [All said from behind his hands.] We're not supposed to be this close. And anyway speaking of fraternizing with the 'enemy', that would mean having to be way more discrete about seeing you, too.
[A thoughtful pause.] But I can go without seeing him. I spent the entire month of February without Nico and it was fine. [Sort of lonely and miserable for various reasons and he was a little too far in the boy's personal space when they teamed up again, but Joshua doesn't need to know that.]
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Well, other than your friend. After all, if he's a demigod, then the Fates are very real, and have spun a cruel life for him in their thread. No Greek hero leads a happy life, at least not for long. The greater the hero, the more tragedy the Fates give them. Though, I hope his fate is more like Odysseus than Achilles, since at least Odysseus had a happier end than most Greek heroes.
Currently, our Monarchs aren't...around, I suppose is the best way of putting it. Only high ranking Seelie have been permitted to see them since May.
[He shrugs like it's no big deal revealing this information to Hiro.]
Perhaps it's because you've been thinking with your heart more than you have with your mind.
[Slight eyebrow raise.] Having some trouble with being separated from Nico, are you?
[It's totally an innocent question, but...it's also Joshua who's asking.]
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...yeah, so I've read. And so I've heard. I've been doing a lot of reading about Greek myth lately. [...Hiro you are seriously an idiot, come on.] I mean I read Homer's work when I was in high school but I've been digging up other stuff to learn more about the myths and the gods. Nico once told me this place is kind of like a nice vacation for them even with the war going on. It's sort of hard to picture. [And it's actually kind of sad.]
Oh yeah? [Carefully. He's treading carefully because he never actually said that Morla was gone, just that Jason wanted to turn him in to her.] Nobody else knows where they are?
[That phrase just causes him to look at Joshua, eyes widening slightly as he lets that sink in. No. Nope. No, bye, nuh-uh. The question doesn't do much else to help either.]
I never said that. [Not in so many words. Why so quick to the defense, Hiro?]
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Homer put it very nicely, I believe. 'A man who has been through bitter experiences and traveled far enjoys even his sufferings after a time.' And I think another applies just as well: 'Be strong, saith my heart; I am a soldier; I have seen worse sights than this.'
Hmm, I would imagine that they're still at Caer Glaem, but there have been no audiences and they're not willing to speak to anyone else. Odd, isn't it, considering how the attack on Caer Scima fared?
[This is making Joshua so gleeful, but luckily he doesn't let that on at all.]
So defensive all of a sudden! It was merely a question.
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I…yeah. [He just sort of blinks in response, not at all missing just how relevant those quotes are. (And not at all missing the fact that Joshua picked those two on purpose. Jerk.)] That's right. [It sort of sucks how well those applied to his entirely life and he's curled up a little staring at his shoes again as he lets those thoughts roll through his head. Things have been rocky for the last couple of months, but…he's seen worse. And he's still doing okay.
What did all of that mean anyway?]
Considering you guys completely obliterated our castle? Yeah. Odd. [The castle's rebuilt now, but he hasn't been back yet. He's not even sure he's ready to go back.] Surprised nobody else has bothered to go look for them.
[There's that tight clench in his chest again, fingers digging into his shin even as he glares at his shoes.] It's a ridiculous question and you know it. [He looks up again.] I could be separated from him as long as I want. You know I can handle things by myself just fine.
[But he doesn't want to. Not anymore. He's torn between asking for help like people keep telling him to do and proving himself like always and that's how things blow up in his face. And with Nico, part of him wants to just tell Joshua to shut up with his questions and part of him wants to admit everything he's already concluded and part of him wants to throw his chair at Joshua and part of him wants to kind of cry and everything's terrible and seriously he was pulled in to fight a war he didn't sign up for, couldn't he have received a pass on having to deal with his complicated emotions? How the hell is this fair? Without realizing it, he drops his gaze again and mumbles under his breath.]
…this isn't fair.
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Now, now, on our side of things, it looked like you unleashed the Jabberwock in retaliation. [Joshua gives Hiro a slightly amused look.] Not to mention, had it been reversed, you, too, would have torn down Caer Glaem's walls. Unswerving loyalty to the Monarchs of your Court, right?
[From anyone else, that question might sound like a mockery. From Joshua, it just sounds like a joke, almost like being completely and totally loyal to them is something to be laughed at.]
Regardless, it's difficult to find an extremely powerful being when they don't want to be found. I'm more interested in finding out who did it, why, and how.
[Someone or something powerful enough to bring even the Monarchs to their knees? It's something to be interested in, and Joshua has no doubts that there might come a time where that power falls into the wrong hands. Still...it's only conjecture that it even exists in the first place.
He almost laughs, however, when Hiro mumbles that.]
Of course not. Nothing is fair. Not life, not war, not even love. I've found that the only fair thing is in death, though even that can vary.
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[His nostrils flare a bit.] She was a baby. You guys didn't have to kill her. [But he waves a hand in the air.] But we could go back and forth with the blame game for ages. I could tell you tell you exactly why your side's wrong and trump any arguments you have. [It's a little mockery of his own, a slightly sarcastic smirk on his lips waiting to see what Joshua does. What Joshua knows.
But currently? He's not sure who he's loyal to either but he won't dare say so.] You think it's someone else actually making them bow and not them just turning tail to let us fend for ourselves? What makes you think that?
[Joshua don't laugh. He's literally on the verge of clamming back up and dropping the subject entirely.] I wish everybody would stop saying it's love. I'm not in love with him. Just so we're clear on that. [However.] How can you say death is fair? Tadashi's wasn't fair…and I don't think yours really was either.
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[Joshua just looks amused.]
You think so, do you? Well, then enlighten me. I've always been an avid supporter of learning new things.
[His tone is so mild and casual, especially in the face of Hiro's sarcasm.
Joshua hums in thought.] I don't know about the Unseelie Monarchs, so I can't say what's going on with yours. However, from what I've seen and heard of High King Ridire, when there's need, he's always been at the front lines with his most valued soldiers. As strict and righteous as he is boyish and kind. Likewise, High Queen Solais is as free to give out her affection to her Shardbearers as she is to punish them. Their prolonged absence is unlike them, and even when there were no audiences, their presence was still...palpable. What really tipped me off to something being wrong was when June came and went without a single new Shardbearer, not to mention our Lockets dying at the beginning of May. While I concede this may be a very clever ruse on their parts, I somehow don't think so. I don't think this is what they intended, especially if it's putting a stop to having fresh blood in their ranks.
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[That last bit actually gives Joshua pause. He's never had that said to him before, or at least not to his face. He's suspected that Sanae has similar thoughts, that Joshua's death hadn't been fair, but that's about it. For once, he's not sure how to feel about it.
Instead of pondering over his feelings, he decides to shelve them for the time being.]
In death, we're all on equal ground, at least in the more traditional versions of the afterlife. The Judges don't care about excuses, only truth and justice. They'll judge each soul fairly, either damning them for their crimes or sending them off to the paradise they so deserve for doing good in their lives. My job is not so different in that regard, but I focus on the present and future rather than the past.
[He brushes the hair out of his face, a soft chuckle escaping him with a somewhat dark edge to it.]
I never said dying was fair, though. Tadashi made a choice, and so did I. True, his death wasn't something he necessarily chose, but he knew the risk and felt it was worth it, even if later it turned out to have been in vain. [Just like Joshua knew, understood, and judged the risk as worth taking.]
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[Joshua you're still a dick. And Hiro just fixes him with a very, very firm look.]
They want to destroy everything. Did you know that? Did you know that your side's fighting for the end of all of the worlds? [He's hoping he'll wipe the smug look off of Joshua's face, but it's evident that even in speaking about it he's sort of scared of the possibility.]
Morla's…I don't know anything about our king, but I learned a lot about Morla recently even if I've never met her. It's the same for us though. It's supposedly unlike them to just disappear and that's what doesn't make sense. They can't just go into hiding because something bigger's coming, that's insane. It's totally insane! What are we supposed to do if we don't know what they're afraid of? We don't know if they're going to start bringing in new Shardbearers anytime soon, but there's plenty of rumors about the ones that are around being killed.
[There's a cringe at that though. Romantic love. Love in general. Promises. Stupid bullshit words that he has a hard time choking down and he finally sits up, leaning his elbows on the table and wrapping his hands around the back of his neck. There's a very deep, unsteady breath before he finally starts to talk.]
I can't let it be anything remotely romantic but…I've calculated it over and over again. Nothing else makes sense. Nothing else adds up and I don't know if that's really it because I've never--people aren't supposed to feel so much for other people. I'm not supposed to feel this much for another person, especially not this. I don't want it. I can't want it, doesn't anybody get that? Doesn't anybody get how bad it'd be? I can't let something like love get in the way when I could end up having to kill him and I don't know which is scarier. Both? I don't want to be this close with the idea that I could end up destroying it and losing somebody else, too. It's just worse because as long as he's Seelie it's pretty inevitable.
[You totally wanted this, didn't you, Joshua? His response about death doesn't help, either.]
Oh shut up, Joshua! [He looks up from the tabletop and it's hard to say if he's angry or upset or what the hell is going on here.] I don't care if you think it's equal ground and I don't care about "judging fairly" because it's still not fair! It's justification for a stupid system that's rigged to benefit the Judges instead of thinking about the people that lost their lives before they were supposed to!
I don't believe you. [Hiro, stop.] I don't believe it was really your choice. There are too many other factors that played against you to make it a real choice. There's a difference between knowing the risk and actually going through with something and you know what I think? You really wanna know what I think? I don't think either of you knew what the consequences really would be by taking that risk, just like I never would have thought these would be the consequences for fall--[Whoa, whoa, fucking whoa.]--following Nico's path.
And it's too late to go backwards. It's too late for you, it's too late for Tadashi, and it's too late for me and I don't know if this is what I was supposed to do. Do you really think the way you died was the way you were supposed to go?
[…wow. He looks stunned by all of the words and emotions that just sort of came tumbling out of his mouth and he goes quiet then.]
Look at me. Look at me with a straight face and tell me you really, honestly believe that.
TW: Suicide
['Cherish it,' goes unsaid. He doesn't really need to tell Hiro to do that as the teenager obviously does already.
Joshua raises his eyebrows, but otherwise doesn't look surprised. If anything, it's just confirmed that this war has more stakes in it than it originally appeared to have.]
And what do you think your side is fighting for? To save all but the Seelie Court? Or do you truly think that if the Unseelie Court wins, then everything is saved and life can go back to how it used to be?
[It's almost disconcerting how dispassionate he is as he asks all those questions.
Joshua actually sighs at the end of the romance spiel.]
Dear me, Hiro, you sound as if you're the only one who's had cross-court dealings of that sort. I'm sure there are others in the Unseelie side who can help and give you better advice than I can. However, there's something interesting about the Seelie side that I don't think you know about. One of our, hm, tenants I suppose you could say. [He looks incredibly amused, but there's a hint of irony in his expression.] 'Love conquers all.'
[Joshua folds his arms across the tabletop and leans forward slightly. His purple eyes meet Hiro's dark ones without wavering, and are more piercing now than they had been a moment ago.]
Do you think we choose the time people die? I hate to tell you, but we don't. That's not our job. Our job is to judge those souls who come into our realm, our version of the Underworld. We are not Death, Thanatos, the Grim Reaper, whatever you wish to call it. Very rarely, we even judge whether it would be prudent or wise to start the living world from scratch. [The kind of smile Joshua has on his face is more ironic.] Such as the story of Joshua, my sort-of namesake.
The point is, the judges gain nothing by doing this, Hiro. Absolutely nothing. The only ones who gain or lose are the souls who are judged. Perhaps there's some satisfaction to gain when the wicked get sent to their just reward for eternal damnation or when someone who's been good even through the darkest of times in their life can finally find peace in paradise, but there's nothing concrete.
[And still Joshua's eyes don't leave Hiro's. Now, for the heart of it.]
I took the time to learn everything I could about the Game, how the system worked, how everything was structured and how the hierarchy among the Reapers was organized. I learned about the Noise, the Players, the Pacts, the rules you had to follow if you joined the Reaper's Game. I learned about the Composer, how his job worked, how you could become the next one. I learned about the Conductor and how his job worked. After all of that, I formulated a plan and a few back-up plans, if I survived.
Then, I did my research on the myriad ways one could die. I knew exactly what I wanted. It had to be quiet, for one thing. It had to be a guaranteed death. Finally, it could not attract undue attention.
[He says all of this so calmly, so clinically that it's almost like he's a doctor telling a patient about a medical procedure. He's also remember the dream the harp had given him, both a reminder and a taunt of the choice he'd made.]
A gun wouldn't do. It would be loud, it's not always a guaranteed death, and it would be very suspicious if I purchased one and tried to sneak it into the house. A noose wouldn't do, either. Strangulation is, after all, a very long, very painful death, and there's always the chance that someone would hear and come looking out of curiosity or some other reason. Poison or overdosing on medication would be even worse, and I never even considered throwing myself off of a roof. So. I figured that the best way would be to bleed out. It was quiet, though admittedly messy, but it was the best option. All I needed to know was where exactly to cut, and that was easy enough to find out. It's amazing what you can find out in a medical textbook rented out of a local library.
The scar is no longer there, of course. It disappeared the moment I entered the Game.
[He pauses only long enough to let all of that information sink in before continuing on as he has been.]
So. To answer your question, yes. It was very much the way I was supposed to go because that was what I chose. I have no regrets on that decision.
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[And you can bet he cherishes that. It’s all the more reason this war is troublesome.]
I don’t know, but I know we at least don’t want to throw everything away. And also your monarch is scarier than ours. I never said that’s what I think but I know that this is the better option. Can’t you see that?
[How can’t Joshua see that? He has to, despite how bored he sounds. When it comes to the thing about love though…he falters again. That twisted sensation in his stomach. The tightness in his throat. The way his heart’s beating in his ears.
Why the hell is love so strange? The words don’t escape him and he, like Joshua, raises both eyebrows in return. He’s not exactly amused, but he’s more perplexed than anything.]
That’s really funny because one of our is ‘Passion before duty’ and oh my god, I’m stupid. [Yeah. Yeeeeeah guess what just clicked. There’s a small inhale as he reorganizes his thoughts again, more fixated on talking into his lap.] I’m not gonna go around asking everybody on the Unseelie side if they’ve ever been infatuated with a Seelie. That’s probably the fastest way to get turned over to Morla. But…anyway it doesn’t matter. Nico’s not into guys, I can’t be into Nico, end of discussion. It doesn’t matter how I feel about him. I know how I feel about him, but I’m not breaking his trust by, like, I don’t know, kissing him or something. I'll figure something out. It'll go away on its own just like everything else.
[Ah. Death. He doesn’t do anything to break the gaze either, listening to everything Joshua says and though several questions crop up, along with several arguments, he can’t help but remain silent.
The longer Joshua talks though, the more he finds he wants him to stop talking. No. This wasn’t what he wanted. He wanted to prove a point. He didn’t want to hear about just how calculated and precise Joshua’s death was, and he certainly didn’t want to know about the plans that were made. He didn’t want to know steps Joshua had taken to assure that death was, in fact, he own personal choice because it meant more things than Hiro thought he could handle. It’s more than just a suicide. It was a reversal murder. It wasn’t just having a plan to die, but it was a plan on what to do in the afterlife, what to do to assure that everything would go just as planned and it feels so cold and emotionless that he has a hard time grasping. Death, to him, has a lot to do with leaving people behind. If Joshua had formulated such a plan, he fully intended to wipe himself off the map and though they’ve discussed this, though Joshua’s so damn calm about it, Hiro’s having a hard time accepting the idea at face value.
When Joshua begins laying out the methods of suicide and why they won’t work, Hiro finds his arms curling around his chest, fingers digging into his own ribs eventually hard enough to leave little crescent moons in his skin even through his shirt.
Even in his darkest moments, suicide had never occurred to him. Maybe as a very fleeting thought of “if I didn’t wake up, it’d be okay” but never anything purposeful and never anything like this. Everything he’s just told Joshua about Nico and the Shuck and the last year seems so hilarious now. So childish. So inconsequential.
And Joshua once again proves just how foolish Hiro actually can be.
When he speaks, the tone’s low and his voice is a little shaky, but he’s working with what he can.]
…okay. [But it still wasn’t fair. He keeps that thought to himself and takes a moment to recompose himself.] Jason keeps warning me not to have a death wish, and…I kinda told him I wanted to choose how I was going to die. [Not in so many words, but close. Hearing this now though? That thought has quite literally been scared out of him. ] But I don’t have a plan for what comes after. I’m not ready for that. I’m not ready for any of this.
[This, of course, being the theory of everything and elaborating and wrestling with his own thoughts and emotions. Joshua had warned him. Joshua had warned him about caged feelings and how they’re going to destroy him and Hiro had thought he’d be able to prove him wrong, but he’s having trouble holding it together even now. He’s not proving anything and more than anything he simply feels ashamed of himself. Ashamed for being so stubborn to face the death of this world head-on, ashamed for thinking his Seelie versus Unseelie issues were actually that big of a deal when he could cut the ties, ashamed for yelling like a petulant child and thinking he actually had a point Joshua hadn’t already known. He can feel the hot flush creeping up over his face and his eyes remain firmly glued to the tabletop.]
Sorry. I get it now.
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[But there's a hint of fondness as he says that last bit.]
Scarier? ...Well, I suppose he can be rather formidable, much like how a lion can be simultaneously beautiful and terrifying. But I've observed kindness from him and his queen both. [Nothing to make him trust them 100%, though.] As, I'm sure, you've observed from your Monarchs on occasion.
[Joshua's stance is...different, especially in comparison to the rest of his comrades in the Seelie Court. He even takes a moment to consider laying out his way of thinking. In the end, he decides to take the middle road.]
I would love to debate the topic. Both sides have a very clear, valid point. On one hand, it's wrong to deny life to the next generation of worlds once the current one grows old and dies. On the other, it's also not entirely right to ask us to give up our own lives for a mere possibility of something coming next. Thus, we have conflict. However, there's an important question to ask. If you try to save the world, break free from this 'cycle,' then will it actually be our salvation or will it prove to be our damnation?
[He will Judge the world's problem to see which is the best course of action, and whether it's truly worth saving. It almost brings a smile to his face at how similar this decision will be to the one he made regarding Shibuya's fate. It seems he may well be destined to continue to decide his own death, even in another world.]
...Helen Keller once said, 'What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.' Maya Angelou also said, 'Love is a virus. It can happen to anyone at anytime.' Whatever you decide to do, make it count. I don't doubt that when our Monarchs return, things will be very different.
[Joshua stretches his arms, leaning back in his chair as relaxed as before. There's a reason he doesn't talk about his death very much, and Hiro's reaction is only one part of that reason. Now, for the moment, the intensity has passed.]
You're forgiven. [His tone is breezy, like they hadn't just been discussing something as serious as his suicide.] Your place isn't on a battlefield, and that's perfectly acceptable. Even I have no place as a soldier. We can defend ourselves perfectly fine, but it's not our life, our purpose. I wouldn't advise looking to choose your death, Hiro. Simply be prepared that, eventually, there'll come a time in which a choice must be made, for war doesn't stop on the battlefield. It can just as easily enter into the home of civilians as an unwanted house guest.
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