Is it? [There’s a small laugh that follows, despite sounding a tiny bit hollow.] I gave him a picture book for Yule so I wouldn’t have to see his face if he decided he didn't want somebody like me around. But…he didn’t. He trusts me.
[And you can bet he cherishes that. It’s all the more reason this war is troublesome.]
I don’t know, but I know we at least don’t want to throw everything away. And also your monarch is scarier than ours. I never said that’s what I think but I know that this is the better option. Can’t you see that?
[How can’t Joshua see that? He has to, despite how bored he sounds. When it comes to the thing about love though…he falters again. That twisted sensation in his stomach. The tightness in his throat. The way his heart’s beating in his ears.
Why the hell is love so strange? The words don’t escape him and he, like Joshua, raises both eyebrows in return. He’s not exactly amused, but he’s more perplexed than anything.]
That’s really funny because one of our is ‘Passion before duty’ and oh my god, I’m stupid. [Yeah. Yeeeeeah guess what just clicked. There’s a small inhale as he reorganizes his thoughts again, more fixated on talking into his lap.] I’m not gonna go around asking everybody on the Unseelie side if they’ve ever been infatuated with a Seelie. That’s probably the fastest way to get turned over to Morla. But…anyway it doesn’t matter. Nico’s not into guys, I can’t be into Nico, end of discussion. It doesn’t matter how I feel about him. I know how I feel about him, but I’m not breaking his trust by, like, I don’t know, kissing him or something. I'll figure something out. It'll go away on its own just like everything else.
[Ah. Death. He doesn’t do anything to break the gaze either, listening to everything Joshua says and though several questions crop up, along with several arguments, he can’t help but remain silent.
The longer Joshua talks though, the more he finds he wants him to stop talking. No. This wasn’t what he wanted. He wanted to prove a point. He didn’t want to hear about just how calculated and precise Joshua’s death was, and he certainly didn’t want to know about the plans that were made. He didn’t want to know steps Joshua had taken to assure that death was, in fact, he own personal choice because it meant more things than Hiro thought he could handle. It’s more than just a suicide. It was a reversal murder. It wasn’t just having a plan to die, but it was a plan on what to do in the afterlife, what to do to assure that everything would go just as planned and it feels so cold and emotionless that he has a hard time grasping. Death, to him, has a lot to do with leaving people behind. If Joshua had formulated such a plan, he fully intended to wipe himself off the map and though they’ve discussed this, though Joshua’s so damn calm about it, Hiro’s having a hard time accepting the idea at face value.
When Joshua begins laying out the methods of suicide and why they won’t work, Hiro finds his arms curling around his chest, fingers digging into his own ribs eventually hard enough to leave little crescent moons in his skin even through his shirt.
Even in his darkest moments, suicide had never occurred to him. Maybe as a very fleeting thought of “if I didn’t wake up, it’d be okay” but never anything purposeful and never anything like this. Everything he’s just told Joshua about Nico and the Shuck and the last year seems so hilarious now. So childish. So inconsequential.
And Joshua once again proves just how foolish Hiro actually can be.
When he speaks, the tone’s low and his voice is a little shaky, but he’s working with what he can.]
…okay. [But it still wasn’t fair. He keeps that thought to himself and takes a moment to recompose himself.] Jason keeps warning me not to have a death wish, and…I kinda told him I wanted to choose how I was going to die. [Not in so many words, but close. Hearing this now though? That thought has quite literally been scared out of him. ] But I don’t have a plan for what comes after. I’m not ready for that. I’m not ready for any of this.
[This, of course, being the theory of everything and elaborating and wrestling with his own thoughts and emotions. Joshua had warned him. Joshua had warned him about caged feelings and how they’re going to destroy him and Hiro had thought he’d be able to prove him wrong, but he’s having trouble holding it together even now. He’s not proving anything and more than anything he simply feels ashamed of himself. Ashamed for being so stubborn to face the death of this world head-on, ashamed for thinking his Seelie versus Unseelie issues were actually that big of a deal when he could cut the ties, ashamed for yelling like a petulant child and thinking he actually had a point Joshua hadn’t already known. He can feel the hot flush creeping up over his face and his eyes remain firmly glued to the tabletop.]
no subject
[And you can bet he cherishes that. It’s all the more reason this war is troublesome.]
I don’t know, but I know we at least don’t want to throw everything away. And also your monarch is scarier than ours. I never said that’s what I think but I know that this is the better option. Can’t you see that?
[How can’t Joshua see that? He has to, despite how bored he sounds. When it comes to the thing about love though…he falters again. That twisted sensation in his stomach. The tightness in his throat. The way his heart’s beating in his ears.
Why the hell is love so strange? The words don’t escape him and he, like Joshua, raises both eyebrows in return. He’s not exactly amused, but he’s more perplexed than anything.]
That’s really funny because one of our is ‘Passion before duty’ and oh my god, I’m stupid. [Yeah. Yeeeeeah guess what just clicked. There’s a small inhale as he reorganizes his thoughts again, more fixated on talking into his lap.] I’m not gonna go around asking everybody on the Unseelie side if they’ve ever been infatuated with a Seelie. That’s probably the fastest way to get turned over to Morla. But…anyway it doesn’t matter. Nico’s not into guys, I can’t be into Nico, end of discussion. It doesn’t matter how I feel about him. I know how I feel about him, but I’m not breaking his trust by, like, I don’t know, kissing him or something. I'll figure something out. It'll go away on its own just like everything else.
[Ah. Death. He doesn’t do anything to break the gaze either, listening to everything Joshua says and though several questions crop up, along with several arguments, he can’t help but remain silent.
The longer Joshua talks though, the more he finds he wants him to stop talking. No. This wasn’t what he wanted. He wanted to prove a point. He didn’t want to hear about just how calculated and precise Joshua’s death was, and he certainly didn’t want to know about the plans that were made. He didn’t want to know steps Joshua had taken to assure that death was, in fact, he own personal choice because it meant more things than Hiro thought he could handle. It’s more than just a suicide. It was a reversal murder. It wasn’t just having a plan to die, but it was a plan on what to do in the afterlife, what to do to assure that everything would go just as planned and it feels so cold and emotionless that he has a hard time grasping. Death, to him, has a lot to do with leaving people behind. If Joshua had formulated such a plan, he fully intended to wipe himself off the map and though they’ve discussed this, though Joshua’s so damn calm about it, Hiro’s having a hard time accepting the idea at face value.
When Joshua begins laying out the methods of suicide and why they won’t work, Hiro finds his arms curling around his chest, fingers digging into his own ribs eventually hard enough to leave little crescent moons in his skin even through his shirt.
Even in his darkest moments, suicide had never occurred to him. Maybe as a very fleeting thought of “if I didn’t wake up, it’d be okay” but never anything purposeful and never anything like this. Everything he’s just told Joshua about Nico and the Shuck and the last year seems so hilarious now. So childish. So inconsequential.
And Joshua once again proves just how foolish Hiro actually can be.
When he speaks, the tone’s low and his voice is a little shaky, but he’s working with what he can.]
…okay. [But it still wasn’t fair. He keeps that thought to himself and takes a moment to recompose himself.] Jason keeps warning me not to have a death wish, and…I kinda told him I wanted to choose how I was going to die. [Not in so many words, but close. Hearing this now though? That thought has quite literally been scared out of him. ] But I don’t have a plan for what comes after. I’m not ready for that. I’m not ready for any of this.
[This, of course, being the theory of everything and elaborating and wrestling with his own thoughts and emotions. Joshua had warned him. Joshua had warned him about caged feelings and how they’re going to destroy him and Hiro had thought he’d be able to prove him wrong, but he’s having trouble holding it together even now. He’s not proving anything and more than anything he simply feels ashamed of himself. Ashamed for being so stubborn to face the death of this world head-on, ashamed for thinking his Seelie versus Unseelie issues were actually that big of a deal when he could cut the ties, ashamed for yelling like a petulant child and thinking he actually had a point Joshua hadn’t already known. He can feel the hot flush creeping up over his face and his eyes remain firmly glued to the tabletop.]
Sorry. I get it now.